Sunday, February 8, 2009

At A Loss



I realized today that I have not yet mourned for the loss of my job. You know, the one that cut me adrift six weeks ago. I know I wrote a bit about it and vented a little here and there, but then I started to enjoy the freedom of not having to punch a clock day in and day out. There remains the practical consideration of money, however. I do need it if I want to continue to eat and watch T.V. and have a roof over my head.

Then, suddenly today, I started to feel real sorrow. I loved my job. When I first started there, I felt as though I had been yanked up out of Purgatory into Heaven. I was well paid and felt valued. I could wear jeans if I felt like it and bring Rigby to work if I wanted to. I had my own little office with a sunny window and a desk that I helped to design. I was allowed to choose the color and style of the cabinets and countertop. I picked out the shade of celery green paint on the walls. I lined the window shelf and countertop with plants. I brought in all my music and loaded it onto my computer so I could listen all day. I burned fragrant candles and worked happily away at my own pace for the most part. At certain times of the year it was insanely busy, but even that felt good...the satisfaction of having done a good day's work when I punched out in the evening.

I got along well with most of the people there, and I felt that my supervisor was truly a good friend. It was a great job, the best job I've ever had.

On the day I was laid off, my supervisor told me I could just leave anything I didn't feel like taking that day. No one else would be using my room, he said. Maybe he was in denial too. I took everything I wanted and threw the rest away, except for the two "excellence" awards that I left on the shelf as an ironic statement.

Today I was in the area, so I drove by my old workplace. I had heard that due to the downsizing, the building is now too large and pretty empty. To further cut costs, they decided to lease half the space to a different company. The few remaining employees were all moved into one half the original space.

As I drove by my old office, I saw a silk flower arrangement sitting on the window shelf of my little office room. My office! Someone else's flowers! A shock of realization hit me...it's really not my office anymore! Someone else has taken it over and now it's their office. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Even though I knew there was a chance I would not be hired back, today for the first time it feels real. If another company is leasing part of the building, they can't just toss them out after a few months. There literally won't be any room for any of us to be hired back.

My son said, "Mom, cut your losses and move on. Looks like you really will have to find a new job now."

With seven percent unemployment and companies still letting people go, that will be much easier said than done. I really have to say goodbye to that part of my life-the past seven years. I know I'll never see most of those people again now. I don't even have their phone numbers. Many of them live hours away and we had little in common other than work, but still... Writing about it now, there is a lump in my throat and I want to cry. It's NOT FAIR!

13 comments:

  1. Letting go of what we were used to doing is always hard but somehow we need to move on...

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  2. It's the first important step, Deedee - well done. Warm wishes to you V xx

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  3. Hang in there Deedee, you are worth more than your work!

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  4. Thank you, Clay! You just made me smile for the second time today(the first was when I did your solution) You're the best! :>

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  5. Deedee, I loved your blog, the design...everything. Enjoy your time to write. You write very well. Clay is a fabulous writer, too. I am brazilian woman, English teacher. Writing here and starting a blog in English is being a Challenger for me.
    Take care and Best wishes,

    Rosana

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  6. Thank you Rosana, and welcome!

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  7. So glad I returned to your heartfelt post.
    We must let go, we must move on. We all know that. But it's good to tell the truth to your friends about your feelings because we understand. Life, huh?

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  8. Thank you, Lyn. It's good to know great people like you are out there. I really appreciate your comment!

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  9. Oh, gosh. Work is such an important part of our lives, it's awful, awful, awful when we leave -- for whatever reason. I hope you find something else that you love as much, and people that you love as much too. It's true that a work environment is like a family, and we do grieve them when we lose them. It's good to move on, but definitely grieve first!

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  10. you are enjoying this time off aren't you? when was the last time you felt this free? keep on walking and exploring with mac, things have a way of working out....jc

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  11. Thanks, Jo- I appreciate it!

    Thanks, JC - yes, you're right - it really is nice to be free. Now, if only someone would pay me handsomely to walk my dog...Heheh.

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  12. I hope you find something soon, in the mean time enjoy the time off - easier said than done.

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