Down In The Hole

I know what James Taylor meant when he sang;

Down in the hole,
Lord, it's deep and the sides are steep
and the nights are long and cold
Down in the hole,
Light and love and the world above
mean nothing to the mole...

Today I am struggling with trying to put together a resume. I have no heart for this. I can’t imagine myself sitting through an interview. I don’t want to deal with calling places and waiting desperately for call backs. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed, time and time again. I don't want to have to figure how to navigate a whole new landscape of office politics with a whole new group of people. I just want my old job back.
Now, when companies everywhere are letting people go and unemployment figures are as bad as they have been in decades, it seems beyond ridiculous to be asking for applications and making phone calls asking, “Are you hiring?” I fully expect them to laugh in my face. I wouldn’t blame them if they hung up on me.
Since I was cut adrift back on New Year’s eve, I have been trying to stay busy. So far, it has staved off the depression that always hovers just at the edges of my life, waiting for the opportunity to spin me down into a black hole. I have found that it takes a conscious effort to keep it at bay. Daily exercise, reading, trying to keep busy, no matter what. I need comedy shows and constant distraction. I need a plan. If I wake in the night, I must force all thought out and practice deep breathing and clear my mind. If allow my mind to wander, the darkness senses an opening and like some evil entity, tries to grab hold of me.
Last week I got an email from a former coworker, announcing that they were meeting after work for drinks and would love it if all the ones who’d been laid off would join them for a little socializing. My first instinct was not to go. Then I thought about it and saw it as a chance to find out what was going on at the company. How business was, and whether there was any talk of calling people back to work. I dressed up and did my hair and make-up. I scrounged up 20 dollars for a couple of glasses of wine and headed for the bar near the office. I found that several more people had been let go after I had been. Two of the managers professed their faith that when things improved, I would definitely be one of the ones to be re-hired. But who knew when that would be? What else would you expect them to say? I innocently mentioned to my former manager that I had been going online and checking the schedule on the company website to see how business was, and how many installations were being scheduled. A few days later I found that my access had been disabled. He apparently didn’t think it was a good idea that I was still able to log on.
Until this week, I’ve been maintaining. I’ve done okay up to now, and I have not let myself slide into the abyss. This week though, I can feel myself slipping. Despair is whispering to me and it is all I can do not to listen. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get up each morning. I have to force myself to move and get out there and do something, even if it seems futile. I can’t let it get to me. One deep breath and one step forward at a time...