Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Down In The Hole

I know what James Taylor meant when he sang;

Down in the hole,
Lord, it's deep and the sides are steep
and the nights are long and cold
Down in the hole,
Light and love and the world above
mean nothing to the mole...

Today I am struggling with trying to put together a resume. I have no heart for this. I can’t imagine myself sitting through an interview. I don’t want to deal with calling places and waiting desperately for call backs. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed, time and time again. I don't want to have to figure how to navigate a whole new landscape of office politics with a whole new group of people. I just want my old job back.
Now, when companies everywhere are letting people go and unemployment figures are as bad as they have been in decades, it seems beyond ridiculous to be asking for applications and making phone calls asking, “Are you hiring?” I fully expect them to laugh in my face. I wouldn’t blame them if they hung up on me.
Since I was cut adrift back on New Year’s eve, I have been trying to stay busy. So far, it has staved off the depression that always hovers just at the edges of my life, waiting for the opportunity to spin me down into a black hole. I have found that it takes a conscious effort to keep it at bay. Daily exercise, reading, trying to keep busy, no matter what. I need comedy shows and constant distraction. I need a plan. If I wake in the night, I must force all thought out and practice deep breathing and clear my mind. If allow my mind to wander, the darkness senses an opening and like some evil entity, tries to grab hold of me.
Last week I got an email from a former coworker, announcing that they were meeting after work for drinks and would love it if all the ones who’d been laid off would join them for a little socializing. My first instinct was not to go. Then I thought about it and saw it as a chance to find out what was going on at the company. How business was, and whether there was any talk of calling people back to work. I dressed up and did my hair and make-up. I scrounged up 20 dollars for a couple of glasses of wine and headed for the bar near the office. I found that several more people had been let go after I had been. Two of the managers professed their faith that when things improved, I would definitely be one of the ones to be re-hired. But who knew when that would be? What else would you expect them to say? I innocently mentioned to my former manager that I had been going online and checking the schedule on the company website to see how business was, and how many installations were being scheduled. A few days later I found that my access had been disabled. He apparently didn’t think it was a good idea that I was still able to log on.
Until this week, I’ve been maintaining. I’ve done okay up to now, and I have not let myself slide into the abyss. This week though, I can feel myself slipping. Despair is whispering to me and it is all I can do not to listen. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get up each morning. I have to force myself to move and get out there and do something, even if it seems futile. I can’t let it get to me. One deep breath and one step forward at a time...


  1. It's going to be okay Deedee. I know......it's easy to say that right? Well, one way or another it's going to be okay......
    Crazy things happen in this life girl. You never know when you are giong to wake up any day and your life will be forever changed.
    You're a sweetheart and you seem like you have such an amazing heart. I love what you said about Rigby when I was talking about the shelter animals.
    How you couldn't give him up for anything. That says to me that you have a really sweet spirit.
    It's gonna be okay girl breathe in, breathe out and.......

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  2. Dear Deedee, I have many friends that are upset because of the international crises. I really believe in "faith". I once read that "where you see crises I see opportunity". Besides, I have learned to use the force against to me, for me, in my favour(this is not a YODA quotation(lol) Enjoy your time to see all good things you know, all you have learned.Have an objective and keep the goal. Walk around, move yourself, your body and your energy.Read, socialize, cook, move and believe in yourself!

    Best wishes,

  3. Oh Deedee, it's so hard to think of the people who have lost employment at this time. My daughter too was laid off about a month ago and it has been very hard on her. Her husband is still employed but we worry everyday for them. Try to keep your spirits up any way you can. It seems like going through hard times make the sweet things sweeter. Not easy to see though while we are going through them. Thinking of you, June

  4. Deedee - hang in there girl - your have so much heart and spirit, and there are people out here who you will probably never 'meet' who love you and are thinking positive thoughts for you. I agree with everything that has been said - you are amazing and it is true that one door closes and another one opens. With hugs and love to you, Veronica xx

  5. all you can do is hope for the best. the economy stinks right now so it has to get better. good idea to see your old workmates, just keeps you in their minds. looking for a job is the pits, no doubt. take good care and i''ll see ya around....love ya, jc

  6. Wow, thanks guys - I appreciate all your kind words and good thoughts. Like Reggie girl always says, gotta stay "Steady on!"

  7. We must beware of the middle of the night Hoo Hahs. Ugly little gnomes. Also let's get pushy, and kill despair.
    Oh, no no no, don't think for a moment that the game is going to win!!I'm this way because I'm climbing!

  8. All good wishes for your job quest, DeeDee. I hope music lifts you up--along with that JT tune, I find a good dose of John Prine can help cure the blues --strangely enough, given his perpetual funk (tunes such as his duet with Nanci Griffith, "Speed of the Sound of Loneliness"): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KmfjWBulic .